Mother Teresa once said, “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”
I’m no Mother Teresa. I admit it. I’ve had a few moments of “sulking” over the past couple of days. While my perspective hasn’t changed in that I know God is in control, I would be kidding myself if I said that every moment was filled with silver linings and pixie dust. Just like any other human diagnosed with cancer, the question of “why” has occurred more than once. As the surgery date draws closer, and doctor visits increase in frequency, I have on more than one occasion asked this one-word question in my internal dialogue with the Lord.
Aside, Job asked why, and God never answered. In effect He said, “who are you to question me” and then goes into a long lecture about His power and sovereign nature versus Job’s puny insight and mortality. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a lecture from God. Even so, sometimes I have asked why. As humans, we want to take away the mystery from God. We want to figure it all out. Sometimes we just have to have faith, knowing that He has it all in control.
I don’t know if I will ever know “why” I have cancer, but this disease has put a lot of past events into perspective, and has even provided a sense of closure to some. Maybe it’s not this simple, but bear with me as I attempt to share what I have come to understand.
When I was a young adult I was told by my doctor that I could never conceive a child, and if I did, I would be unable to carry full-term. We proved the doctor wrong. I not only conceived but carried both children full-term. I thought my worries were over when my first baby was delivered, but then I saw the look of distress in my doctor’s eyes. “This baby will need surgery.” As our son was whisked away to another hospital for surgery on the day he was born, while I was left to recover, we all asked why?
Soon after that the first job I really loved was ripped out from under me when they closed our building. Twenty-five of us were laid off a few years later when they closed our whole department. Why?
Fast forward again, just after 9/11 — when everyone in the world was asking why — we flew our family to Australia with all of our possessions, where we would make our home. Months of planning was sending us on a mission. After four years of living with the wonderful people there, we felt this would be our “forever” home. Our mission was abruptly ended by a strange turn of events, and once again we questioned why?
We tried to go back down under on more than one occasion. (We still feel drawn to this beautiful place.) Most people don’t know this, but we sought a visa through at least three different routes. We were given a green light by an immigration specialist and spent time and resources to make it happen. But each time we applied and thought we had it “in the bag,” God shut the door for no apparent reason. Why?
When it came time to move to Texas, we looked at the map and settled in the Houston area. This seemed like a good place to land, central to all the churches we would visit and it has a great climate. Never did we question why God placed us here, but now we have an even greater understanding, perhaps, of His overall plan.
Why?
The Lord taught me an important lesson through each of these major life events. Lessons that would help me through an even greater crisis than the one before. At the moment I questioned why, but now it all makes sense.
Nothing is impossible with God. Our son’s successful surgery and time in the NICU built patience and endurance. That crisis forced us to rely on God, because his health and healing was totally out of our control. Endurance would come in handy when facing chemo later on.
When I lost my job, I re-learned that nothing in life is permanent. That was an important lesson. Only God is eternal, and we should not place our trust in the temporal. Man may disappoint us, but God is faithful!
Through the turn of events that ended our mission, God provided us with strength of character. At the time it felt like the biggest crisis in our lives. Those were dark days, but this was only preparing us for what was yet to come. He was giving us an ability to face even more difficult days ahead. He was giving us hope. I needed that event in my life to strengthen my relationship with Him, so I could rely more closely on Him at this moment in time.
Maybe God said “no” to our requests to return because He knew I would have cancer. Life overseas would not have been easy with this dreadful disease. He even removed the desire to move. Maybe the desire will return one day, but we no longer feel pressured to try. We are at peace with our circumstances.
Was it an accident that we ended up in the Houston area? Perhaps He wanted me near the best treatment facility, and guided our choice to land here. Fate? Destiny? I prefer to think of it as God’s gentle nudge and us listening to His voice, even if we don’t fully understand why.
Why? I’m not trying to put God in a box, nor attempt to say I have “figured Him out.” He is much greater than that! However, as I look back over my life and see the many situations and trials I have faced, I am comforted in knowing that each event has made me who I am today. Each crisis has prepared me for dealing with this moment. I was not blind-sided by a diagnosis of cancer and impending chemo; I was ready to tackle the task at hand.
I have a greater understanding of His perspective now. He looks at the whole picture, and does not just focus on one moment in time. While He could change our immediate circumstance, He has a reason for not doing so. We may not ever know why, but knowing that He understands our future and holds it in His hands is comforting. Relying on Him gives me peace, because only He can see through to eternity. And knowing Him gives hope. Hope for a brighter future and a healthy tomorrow.
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For further reflection, here are some Scriptures that supported these thoughts:
Luke 1:37, Job 38:1 – 42:6, Romans 5:4, I Corinthians 10:13